Todd Daniel: June 2010

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Remembering to Care

Take a good look at this photo while it's here. I'm pretty sure Robrt will ask me to take it down as soon as he sees it. He insists on being photographed through gauze or a sheet of linoleum (depending on how much sleep he has gotten) and his reaction to looking like anything more than two black dots (eyes) with a moustache is extreme (as he would say "insert retching sounds here"). But hopefully, the photo will remain up long enough to remind everyone that Robrt will be reading selections from his writings about his mother, his childhood, and his experiences as an Alzheimer's caregiver on Friday, July 2nd, at Willo North Gallery. His readings will give you insight into the childhood of this great big sissy and how he has grown into a man with an endless ability to love and care for the people who raised him. You'll also get to see him in the flesh so please remember to tell him how young he looks in person, or I'll be forced to slather Vaseline over your eyeballs in an effort to soft focus your vision.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Aging Gracefully

I'm relatively certain that blog posts should be light and airy, meant only to entertain and delight the reader, who most likely is eating a grilled cheese sandwich and attempting to not spill Sprite onto the keyboard. Unfortunately, I'm not that blogger. At least not this week. So instead I'm going to wax geriatric for a moment. My father-in-law (I'm going to take the liberty of using "in-law" as I see fit, despite the government's refusal to recognize my relationship in any legal manner) has recently been experiencing some health problems and is being treated in a local hospital. This, in itself, wouldn't be problematic, except that my mother-in-law has alzheimer's and can't be left alone. So I find myself spending some really long days playing cards with and answering the questions of this really lovely woman who gave birth to my spouse (who's spending his days at the hospital and his nights in his childhood bedroom). I haven't slept very much. In fact, the bags under my eyes practically require a support garment (do they make Spanx for eyes?). I've answered the same questions about a thousand times (scintillating questions such as "Where are you from?" "How old is your car?" and "Where's my husband?"). I've played the same card game so many times that I actually have developed a card counting strategy and fancy myself a shark at this hybrid version of rummy that we made up. I've done a lot more dishes and laundry than I ever do at my own home, and I'm thinking of writing a cookbook devoted to interesting meals for the elderly. In short, I'm exhausted, and my next blog post might be weeks away. That said, I wouldn't trade the time I've had with Mary, my mother-in-law, for anything. She's gracious, charming, and funny. The amount of gratitude she shows me with a smile, a laugh, or an earnest plea for an answer that will make sense to her makes this time well-spent. It's strange, because I think I'm pretty lazy and and self-centered most of the time. But it's nice to find out that I'm capable of rising above myself.

Monday, June 7, 2010

A Fond Farewell

Our friend, Heidi Owens, passed away yesterday. I'd like to say all of the usual things that people say in these situations - Heidi was generous, Heidi was compassionate, Heidi cared about animals - but it doesn't quite sum up how truly cool Heidi was. She was definitely all of those things. But she combined it with a personal style that was unmistakable. She was one of those rare people who, if you were pressed to think of someone else who was even remotely like her, you would be at a loss.
We will remember Heidi for many things, but at the top of the list, we will remember Heidi for giving us a cat. Ernie. Robrt met Ernie in a little boutique. Heidi was carrying him around (I think she was just keeping him company), hoping that someone would take a liking to him and bring him home. It's a good thing Robrt was in the store that day, because he's a sucker for male cats and Ernie was right up his alley. Of course, he wasn't Ernie then. He was Charlie. And sometimes "Boy Kitty." But he's Ernie now, and he is one of the most charming creatures ever created. Made even more charming now that he carries with him the memory of our dear, sorely missed, and much-loved friend, Heidi Owens.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Insect Aside

I was really going strong as a blogger. For a while. Then I became a little distracted with some uac events (urban artists collective - a group I co-founded with Patricia Sahertian). We dabbled in the art of silk painting a few weeks ago. I painted some houseflies onto my piece of silk, not because I thought it would be pretty, but because I thought flies were sort of the antithesis of silky material. Mostly, however, I've been focused on uac's first gallery show. SPOILER ALERT: I'm going to do some shameless self-promotion now. The show opens Friday, June 4 and runs through the end of July (but try to come to the opening reception on First Friday) at Willo North Gallery, south of Thomas Road on the east side of 7th Avenue (in Phoenix - just in case my following has gone outside the city limits). There are seven artists, including myself, who are featured along with the creations of uac sponsored events. You've seen my art here (if you follow this blog, which is doubtful since I haven't updated in weeks), so there's nothing new there. But come see this show. It is truly a beautiful exhibition. And I never say things like that. Plus, if you don't show up, I'll force you to wear a silk scarf covered in insects.

Rummy Mary

This hybrid of rummy games is best played with two players. It is even better when accompanied by a gin and tonic, in which case it becomes Gin Rummy Mary.

The Goal: To be the first player to play all of the cards in his or her hand. Another goal might be to do something meaningful with your life so that you don't spend hours playing silly card games.

The Deal: Using a full deck of cards, each player receives nine (9) cards face down. The remainder of the cards are placed between the players and the top card is turned up next to the deck. This will be the discard pile.

Upon picking up their cards, each player is expected to assume a poker face and a few moments are devoted to carefully arranging the cards into an order that is both sensible to the card holder and baffling to all others.

The Big Idea: The game begins as one player either picks up the exposed first card and uses it, or draws another card from the deck. This game is all about making sets of cards. You must have three cards of the same rank (such as three queens) in order to lay down a set. There are no runs allowed in this game (such as 4, 5, 6 of clubs). You may only play on the cards that are in front of you. In other words, you may only have sets with yourself and not with your opponent.

The Wild Card: A wild card is built into this game in order to prevent it from becoming mind-numbing. Deuces are wild and may be used as an additional card to complete or add to any other set.

Todd's Gentlemen's Rule of Deuces: Occasionally, despite thorough shuffling, I find that I am dealt three deuces in my original hand. In these cases, I think it is only fair to play the deuces as a set rather than as wild cards. Of course, nobody really will know if you have three deuces in your hand (unless you go out in the first turn), so whether you follow this rule or not depends on how far behind you are in the tally.

Picking Up and Discarding from the Deck: If the top card of the discard pile is not appealing to you, then you must pick up a card from the deck. You may then keep that card and discard another, use that card in a set and then discard a card, or immediately discard that picked up card (although you should accompany this action with eye rolling or some snarky comment such as "just what I needed").

Picking Up and Discarding from the Discard Pile: If the top card of the discard pile is something you would like to use, you must pick up the entire pile. Yes, that's right. The whole freaking pile. You must show immediately that you can use that top card (don't even bother putting it into your hand). Hopefully, you've kept track of what is in the discard pile and will find other useful cards to play. You do not get to flip through the discard pile prior to making the decision to pick it up. This is considered poor sportsmanship, and is only tolerated from people with some form of dementia. Of course, if you are playing cards with someone with dementia, you can probably get away with a lot of things, such as taking the pile and never using the top card, but I would never stoop to that level as a matter of principle. Unless they do something equally unscrupulous, and even then I have to think about it.

Todd's Rule of the Forced Pick Up: One player may force his opponent to pick up the entire discard pile by discarding a card that can immediately be used in a group of cards that the opponent has already played. In other words, if your opponent has played three Jacks and you hold the fourth one, discarding your Jack will force your opponent to pick up the discard pile, regardless of whether they actually want it or not. This rule exists only in my imagination. I've never actually enforced it, although it tends to work out this way when I play with Mary (she just can't resist taking a card she can use). Still, I think it is a viable rule and shows that I have been thinking about this game way too hard.

Winning the Game: A player wins when she is able to play out every card in her hand (I'm just going to use the feminine pronoun at this point because Mary always wins). This may include a discard card (that sounds redundant) or you may simply play all of the cards out in front of you. It is always accompanied by a smug look and a cocky crossing of the arms to show that you no longer need the use of your hands.

Strategies: There are several strategies for this thrilling game. First of all, don't get wild-card happy. You may find that holding onto a wild card (deuce) for a few plays is useful. Inevitably, you will play a wild card to fill out, let's say, a pair of aces. You can be guaranteed that the next two cards you pull from the deck will be aces, and you will instantly begin swearing.

Watch your opponent's groups. If all of the wild cards have been played and your opponent has played two tens with a deuce as one of the groups, and you are holding two tens hoping for a third, you may as well wish for comprehensive health-care reform.

Holding back a card that your opponent needs almost always comes in handy, especially if you institute the forced pick up rule.

Security Word Dictionary

Every time you comment on a blog, book an airline ticket, or do anything online that requires a secure log-in, you are asked to retype a nonsense word written in squiggly type. Until now, none of these words have been defined. I've taken it upon myself to give meaning to a host of perfectly good words that are being wasted for the sake of our online security.

copresto (n.) [co-pres-to]: a magical incantation requiring two or more magicians simultaneously

frontsce (n.) [frunt-see]: a term used to state seating preference, i.e. at a movie theater or sporting event. Jane claimed she was a frontsce by nature, but it was her astigmatism that ruled out sitting in the back row.

dopeavar (n.) [doe-puh-vahr]: 1. an especially dumb avatar
2. an avatar who regularly attends virtual Grateful Dead concerts

hysock (n.s.) [hy-sahk] der. Old English: a foot covering or sock, typically of the tube variety, that extends to the knee or slightly above. pl. hysocks; (see "seventies apparel")

dumocomb (n.) [doo-moe-cohme] der. Italian, possibly from duomo: a comb used by men sporting comb-overs, usually made of a flexible plastic or synthetic material.

clenounc (v.) [clay-noonk] fr.: the act of dropping one's keys just prior to making contact with the keyhole. I always seem to clenounc when my arms are full of groceries.
{irreg. clenouncing, clenounced}

cogyr (n.) [cah-gur] colloq.: An older man who habitually dates people younger than himself; the male equivalent of "cougar." Not to be confused with codger which implies the inability to get a date. The hard and soft "g" differentiates the two.

mealatical (adj.) [meel-at-uh-cul]: Of or pertaining to a meal. Typically used in describing a culinary faux pas, as in a mealatical error.

If you happen upon a great security nonsense word, please send it to me. You are invited to contest the meaning of these words, although your case will probably hold as much water as a "caveran" (and a leaky one, at that). You may also use these words in Scrabble, particularly if you wish to irritate your opponent. In fact, the act of using an ersatz word for your own personal benefit or gain is called a "zqitrie," a word which, in certain circumstances, will gain you 125 points in Scrabble. In most circumstances, however, it will get you kicked out of the game.

Todd Daniel