Proof that blogging is pointless.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Red Red Whine

Let me once again state, as a disclaimer, that I am not an abstract artist. That said, I have probably spent more time on this painting than almost any other work I've completed recently. The primary colors were not working for me (or anyone, as far as I can tell). So in an effort to match our living room sofa, I glazed over the original colors with various shades of red. This, of course, is another strike against me as an artist - I'm sacrificing my vision in order to coordinate with existing furniture. This is the artistic equivalent of Garanimals. Still, one has to admit that the painting is vastly improved. If you have a burgundy wingback chair, a wall screaming for some décor, and $15.99 (not a cruddy cent less) you might consider taking this piece home.
UPDATE May 12, 2010: Save your money. This piece has been sold to the lowest bidder.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Quick Change Artist

I dragged my sack of corroded coins to the local Safeway and, despite the voice of reason telling me that I would break the Coinstar machine with my dirty money, spent about twenty minutes pushing coins through a metal slot. Coinstar is not picky. Aside from rejecting a few objects that didn't even look like pennies to me, it took everything but a euro and two Canadian coins. And my grand total? After taking its 8.9% cut, I walked away with 351 dollars! Just for throwing loose change in a jar for a few years. After a receipt prints, you have to proceed to customer service to actually get your cash. I just wanted the clerk to smile politely and maybe throw in a reassuring "there you go!" or "nice work saving coins!" Instead, they tossed out "I think this is a new were at that machine for a long time." Ugh. I wonder if they noticed me pulling out the rejected coins and trying them over and over until I had milked every last acceptable coin? Or clenching my fists in victory every time I passed another hundred dollar mark? I'm sure they did.

I obviously don't have a photo of myself at the Coinstar machine (although I could probably obtain one from the Safeway security camera), so I'm decorating this blog entry with a terrible piece of abstract art. My own terrible piece of abstract art. I'm not an abstract artist, but I'm leading a children's art group tomorrow and am teaching them color theory and abstract art (I didn't think eight-year olds would be interested in painting watercolor miniatures). I wanted to create a painting that was both abstract and used primary colors. This piece is called "Mourners." Did I mention that it is terrible? Did I also mention that it is for sale? Ten dollars. I take change.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Fear of Change

Cuprolaminophobia is the fear of coins. I don't have it, but after yesterday I don't think it would be completely unreasonable to possess this phobia. We have been throwing our coins into a vase for quite a few years. Along the way, we threw in a few other things (coin wrappers, a rubber band) and apparently a sizable amount of some liquid. I'm just going to go with water, for the sake of my sanity. At any rate, the paper coin wrappers partially disintegrated, the pennies oxidized together, and the rubber band fused to any coin that it touched.

Confident that the nice people at Coinstar wouldn't appreciate having our "coin stew" tossed into their machines, I've set about washing the coins. There is nothing more disgusting than washing money. If I get some incurable nail fungus, or some sort of staph infection, please know that this was the moment it happened, and I'll never prepare food for you again. Some of the coins are just ruined. Others have maintained the shape of their former selves, but have no identifying features. I'm hoping the coin counting machine goes by size and weight, but I will have to get back to you on the results. Right now, the coins are spread out on cookie sheets and are drying in the sun like metallic raisins. I'm hand washing change. I keep thinking, "It's okay...there must be about a thousand dollars here." I think we all know where this is going. I'll report back on the total as well. It had better be more than 25 bucks.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Loafing About

This, I'm happy to report, is my final post regarding leavened bread. I couldn't rest until I had made a loaf of bread that could be sliced and enjoyed with some peanut butter and jelly, or as luck may have it, some homemade strawberry preserves made with French rosé. It sounds snootier than it is. I was just trying not to use sugar in the preserves, and wine seemed like a good alternative. Here are some baguettes I made a few days ago as well. Only the photo exists now - the baguettes are history, thanks to a pot of cheese fondue and the company of friends.
With all of this loafing about, you must think I'm as big as a house (I am, and you do), but I am back on a strict walking regime. Of course, one has to walk the equivalent of the Great Wall to work off this much starch. And I probably should not bring a baguette with me when I'm out strolling.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Easter Yarmulke

So now I've really done it. I've crocheted a yarmulke (the only thing stranger than how that sentence looks is the fact that I made a yarmulke for a Seder to which I brought homemade matzoh and horseradish). What next? Will I perform a bris? Hopefully not. To balance things out, I also spent about 4 hours making an Easter egg out of tiny dots punched from paint color sample cards. The egg is approximately 1.5 inches high, and it used approximately 200 individually-glued dots of varying sizes. It is a truly mindless activity, a sort of artistic coma.